Mixed Emotions

The title is probably a misnomer, since “mixed emotions” typically describes conflicting emotions, which I’m not necessarily feeling right now. I’m feeling a lot of different ways about a lot of different things. I just happen to be feeling them all at the same time.

First, I’m pretty tired. I’m not sure if I’m just not getting enough sleep or what, but I’m finding myself nodding off at work. I know it’s bad when I’ve been staring at the blinking cursor for 10 minutes, mid-sentence, between 20-second-long blinks. I’ll try to diversify my work by proofreading something or whatever. All I end up doing is pulling that move I’ve used in college lectures where I lean over the paper, cup my hand over my brow, like I’m intently studying, but in reality just covering my eyes so I can doze off. I should be sleeping, now that I’m home, but wouldn’t you know it? The urge to write got a hold of me and here I am. Alas.

Second, I feel like a failure. A friend of mine is upgrading her computer to tackle some games and since I have a bunch of spare parts, like video cards and hard drives and such, I advised her to upgrade certain components over others, telling her that I’d donate my unused parts. As with all of my good intentions, my suggestion turned out to be horrible. I gave my friend a video card and after we installed it, we noticed that the fan wasn’t spinning anymore. I thought it was a power issue, so I advised her to buy a more powerful power supply. Turns out I was wrong about that, too. The fan on the card is just bad. So now she has to sink another $200 on a video card. To make myself feel better, I think I’m going to pick up the card for her.

Third, I’m kind of lonely. Not in the physical sense, really. More in the mental sense. You know, like no one is ever really going to get me. I also feel like the people I counted on being a certain way are turning out to be otherwise. Or maybe they’ve been that way all along and I’ve just gotten sick of making excuses for them.

Fourth, I’m a little frustrated. I was all gung ho about Mr. Actor getting my screenplay to the right people, but that’s kind of stalled out. I can’t help but think that my script is a winning lottery ticket that isn’t being cashed. And I can’t cash it without a lot of other people’s help. I think this feeling sucks the most.

Fifth, I think I’ve come back to tired. My eyes are getting bleary so I think I’ll call it a night.