The Universe is Consipiring Against Me Today

Sometimes I Feel Like the World Just Hates Me

The day is just half way over as I start this and already it feels long. Typically, I enjoy my Saturdays, but today headed South real fast. I slept in, which means getting up at 8 instead of 6:30, which was nice. I worked out. It’s chest and abs day and I upped the weight by 10 lbs. I was feeling pretty good.

And then I made the mistake of immersing myself in humanity.

If you’re new here, see, I like to watch my movies at the theater as early as possible so as to avoid all of the crowds. Here’s a nice little article about Problems at the Movie Theater. Actually, I go early so as to avoid everyone altogether. It’s nice having the whole theater to yourself. Really. So I buy my ticket for The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor and I’m feeling pretty good because the theater is empty. I nab the front row middle seat, right where the stadium seating starts. It’s far enough so you don’t feel like you’re watching tennis the whole time and close enough to give you that “movie theater” feel. I lean back and prepare to be transported to another world.

Then as soon as the movie starts, some dude with his kids come in and sit right behind me! The entire theater to themselves and they have to snuggle up next to me. Still, I was hopeful. I sat there for a moment as they were coming up the row to feel out the father. Unfortunately, I got this vibe that he wasn’t the strict disciplinarian type and more of the “I’m your buddy, not your dad” kind of guy. So when they sat down and I felt that first kick on the back of my seat, I knew I had to move.

Yeah, that was a bitter pill to swallow, giving up prime real estate, but what can you do? So I relocated all the way to the back, which can be just as good and also provides the same comfort that booths do at restaurants. So we’re about 10 minutes into the movie when an older couple comes in: a thin man, balding on top and a corpulent woman with glasses. Once again, the entire theater to themselves and where do they sit? Right beside me! Granted, the woman did mercifully leave a one-seat buffer between us, but that wasn’t enough to keep me from hearing her conversation with the man over various details of the film. Worse yet, she was a mouth-breather, slack-jawed and awful, the way you think of “before” pictures on any ad for liposuction as disgusting. Occasionally, her tongue would get trapped in the mighty vortex of her throat and she would snore while being completely awake.

On the up side, the movie was alright. Look for my review soon.


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